Feeling distant, on a distant shore

July 2nd, 2008 by John

I have been moving about a bit lately, for a variety of reasons.  In the main, it’s been family stuff, which I guess I’ve now been able to take a step back from.

Some things, though, are just too deeply interwoven with my soul.  They stay with me, colouring my thoughts and ideas from the other side of the Atlantic. 

As I sit here, watching the Pacific tide roll in along the spectacular Oregon coast, I am still not entirely sure where I go from here.  I have some ideas, some half-formed plans, but at the moment it’s all still very bitty, very disconnected… like loose coins in a tumble dryer.

Pictures will be posted at some point.

The ocean is a good listener.  It listens by speaking, in an odd sort of way…

by pouring a steady rhythm into spaces that might otherwise be cold and frightening.

Best wishes to Becca and Samurai Frog, who I met in Chicago at the weekend.  And thanks also to Karen, for understanding a whole bunch of stuff, and being there with a torch when darker forces blew my candles out.

And of course to Marilyn, Bobby and Murphy (my cousins) for having me here.

Let’s hear it for the Carers

June 22nd, 2008 by John

Carer.

It’s a word used a great deal these days, to describe all sorts of tangled loyalties and emotions -

a word that tries to fix a neat label on one of modern society’s least tidy situations.

Carer.

It sounds so serene… so compassionate…

Carer.

The word seems to stand as a beacon of all that is fine and altruistic in our nature - and yet, as many of us have learned to our cost, it often brings out the worst we have to offer.

It releases all manner of churned-up, pent-up fire from our inner furnaces…

it makes the walls close in…

and it allows foul demons to crawl in to parts of our soul where they would never normally have been allowed.

The most ironic thing about actually being a carer

is that it often doesn’t make you feel like one.

Do I still care about things the way I did before the label came to visit?

Yeah. I think so.

But some things hurt a little more than they used to.

And some things feel a great deal more precarious than they used to…

like that invisible bridge we walk, in the messy everyday limbo between one kind, joyful encounter and the next.

Carer.

It’s a real bugger of a word.

Why?

Well, I suppose it has something to do with the world we live in, the words we use to define it…

and those pesky invisible bridges that link one with the other.

I think some of these chasms are essentially unbridgeable - and I think perhaps the carer canyon might well be one of them.

I think perhaps we need a few earthquakes,

a continental shift,

and a new shaft of sunlight where all those old words used to block the sky.

(See what I mean? Tangled)

Leaf Number Two Fights Back

June 22nd, 2008 by John

There was no sun here. It was the wrong kind of sky for shining, and the wrong kind of tree to appreciate it.

For this was a Night Tree, rising under cover of darkness to clear the circulation of a troubled world. And its roots searched not for water but for monsters… the insidious demon weeds against which all manner of cosmic life was destined to struggle.

Whereas normal trees take many seasons to stretch their tender limbs into rough-barked maturity, this tree traced the same path in a matter of minutes. And it grew not in soil but in concrete, cracking its way through the desolate floor of an old container dock.

It spread its branches high up over the dark, lapping water, sliding their slender forms between the old cranes which now sat dormant like moody, rusted ogres. Fatigued metal creaked a pitiful welcome to the newcomer, perhaps recalling the company of operators long-since dismissed.

Breezes gathered around the damp trunk, stroking eager new shoots out of their buds, spray-painting the phantom bark with yesterday’s pollutants.

There were an awful lot of bad vibes riding these breezes. A lot of dreams turned sour, good times grown stale. The docks, the ailing river, the downbeat housing estates in the surrounding neighbourhood… all had been tainted by the same poison.

Much work to do.

the old cranes... like moody, rusted ogres

The First Leaf made a spectacular entrance, unfolding against a stray moonbeam into twin rows of crinkly, jagged-edged leaflets. And the first of many new worlds took shape against the wailing night.

Oh yes, he thought to himself, thrilled by the taste of treasure in his veins. I can do something with this!

Just then, Leaf Number Two popped out, a couple of side-branches further down - a single body this time, smoother and more delicately textured than its predecessor. Dockland breezes are rarely known for their sensitivity, yet even these seemed to shift and stammer in her presence, as if they could tell just by looking at her that she was a nice, easy-going kind of leaf.

She gingerly tasted the surrounding atmosphere, breathing deep portions of soiled air through her stomatal pores and filtering its secrets into her cells. It didn’t take more than a few sniffs for the First Leaf’s evil intentions to become clear.

Leaves are very good at sensing each other’s moods and motives. It makes being part of a tree that much easier.

“There are monsters here,” warned Leaf Number Two. “Dangerous monsters!”

“Indeed!” replied the First Leaf, as if to confirm his deputy’s suspicions. “Isn’t it glorious?”

“We’re not here to make pets of them!” cried Leaf Number Two. “We’re here to clear them away!”

The First Leaf swung around angrily toward the new arrival.

“We’re here to do what I say - that’s what we’re here to do! I am the First Leaf, you know! The tree follows my lead - that’s the rules!”

This was an occupational hazard in the arboreal trade. Occasionally, a First Leaf would arrive, soak in too much of the situation and find itself tainted by the surrounding atmosphere. And being the First Leaf, it would turn the whole tree into a rogue demon.

Leaf Number Two had been a freelance phantom leaf for many thousands of years, and had seen it happen all too often.

She’d seen what a bad idea could do to a bunch of decent, hard-working leaves - how it could gnaw into their impressionable sap and twist them out of shape until they lost all sight of the task in hand and gave in to the forces of chaos - and worst of all, she’d seen what horrors the resulting monster could unleash.

A couple of times, she’d even deserted her branch and gone autumn, so sickening was the spectacle. Unfortunately, going autumn was considered to be a particularly heinous crime among leaf-kind, and on both occasions she had been banned from work for a century - without sap.

Which was probably the main reason why she had never made it past the rank of “deputy“.

While she was languishing in the shadow-forests of disgrace, most of her old friends had grabbed their opportunities for metaphysical career advancement, leaving Leaf Number Two increasingly isolated. Her job now was the same every time - to nursemaid keen young leaf-leaders who would all eventually desert her for the bright lights of cosmic management.
This time, however, she wasn’t about to take it lying down.

“Listen!” she shouted. “Either you get those nasty ideas out of your head or I’m challenging you for the Firstship!”

“You can’t do that,” replied the First Leaf smugly. “I’m a compound leaf. See?”

He rustled his leaflets, all connected to the branch by a single petiole, just like it says in the rule book.

“So?”

“So majority rules, doesn’t it? I’ve got fifteen leaflets to your one leaf!”

“That doesn’t count - they’re not independent spiritual entities, are they?”

“How would you know, eh? You ever been compound?”

“Actually,” replied Leaf Number Two, “I generally prefer to work alone. I’ve rarely met a compound I can trust.”

“Well, that’s your problem! You can follow me or you can take a hike!”

Other leaves were emerging thick and fast now, as the tree began to pull on the hidden soul drains of the surrounding land. All sorts of unpleasantness was pumping its way up through the branches, stamping its bigoted creed into tender rib tissue and stirring the deep-rooted passions of foliage brotherhood - to the delight of the First Leaf.

“That’s it, lads!” he roared, watching the loose pulley cables drum the crate-side walls to the steady chorus of brute song. “Bring on the dance of demons!”

Even the breezes seemed to have turned nasty, their air-sculpted forms ignited into fierce, howling flame by the breath of dragons. Girders began to snap and clatter across the dockyard arena. Broken-boned cranes wailed piteous insults over the nearby streets.

Determined not to be beaten, Leaf Number Two flexed her vascular bundles and sucked hard on the grim soul-sap.

“OY! What d’ you think you’re doing?” snapped the First Leaf.

But Leaf Number Two was too preoccupied to reply. She didn’t know if this was possible, re-routing the entire sap flow to one leaf through sheer force of suck, but eighteen thousand years of leaf-labour experience had to count for something.

There were, she had suddenly decided, more than enough monsters about already. By keeping her head down, not making waves, playing the game, she’d allowed too many of these petty tyrants to mess with the cosmic fabric - and the time had come to make a stand.

A hot tide of fury washed into her veins, swelling her with all manner of bitterness and resentment… stinging her with dark memories of greed and betrayal… of a community killed by its own dreams and abandoned by the very industry it had sought to serve… a community whose success had outstripped its capacity, whose failures had driven the ships to new harbours.

This had been a place of dreams once, where all manner of new worlds could be forged from a length of chain and a strong heart. It was a place of magic, from a time when real souls could blossom and shadow trees were not needed.

“Noble sacrifice, eh?” sneered the First Leaf. “Well, it won’t work! There’s a whole history of whispering demons down here, and only one soft-hearted leaf to stand in their way! Any moment now, you won’t be able to take any more - you’ll burst your veins and shatter!”

Shatter!  Shatter!  Shatter!

“He’s right, too, damn him!” thought Leaf Number Two. She could feel the demon sap began to crack through her soft tubing and slice its way out across her rim in thick, fiery fountains.

“Shatter! Shatter! Shatter!” chanted the other leaves.

Gargoyle faces moulded themselves into thick, grey storm cloud, glaring unsettled scores over the once-vibrant streets, raining rage and hatred over the dying rooftops. Chains snapped against the shallow, silted waterline.

“Shatter! Shatter! Shatter!”

But then, with an abruptness that caught the brotherhood completely by surprise, the rain abated. Fresh beams of eerie phosphorescence splashed out across the dockyard as the shoreline exploded with sea spray, singing out the sudden shift in mood. Something was pulling itself from the surf, wrapping its luminescent tentacles around the crane cable as it climbed up towards the Night Tree.

A beacon spirit of some sort, bursting with overdue revelations for the abandoned storage bays.

Feeling the fire dissolve inside her, Leaf Number Two shook herself ecstatically in the melody. Demons hissed and withered across the tortured Night Tree bark. Green gargoyle faces softened and cried as their voices were drawn into the chorus.

These were the songs of heroes, the fuel of mighty ships. These were the hands of builders and the hearts of pioneers, breaking free from the air which had swallowed them. These were the communal dreams which had once made this harbour sing - the flipside of the mob.
Revelation passed from leaf to leaf, leaflet to leaflet.

A hidden army of priceless moments, no longer diluted in the general bile, now rushed forward to weave their stories into the dockside. Meanwhile, the beacon spirit crawled down from the crane and turned its sinuous face to Leaf Number Two.

“I owe you my thanks,” it whispered, as if fearful of breaking the musical spell with its voice. “I have been burrowing uselessly beneath these evening tides for longer than I can remember, crashing into the shoreline as the dockyard spirits refused my pleas for sanctuary, hoping with each rebirth that some miracle might lift me free.”

Along the water’s edge, the old cranes turned their creaky girder necks towards the clouds, sipping raindrops from the billowy blossom which now dominated the sky.

New magic had been germinated here, and the demon weeds had been dispersed. It was now time for the Night Tree to disband and report back to the Cosmos.

“Maybe I’m not cut out for this demon-cleansing work,” sighed the First Leaf, watching the rebirth he had very nearly prevented from happening. He thought back to a time when his whole existence had hinged upon the sunlight, when his only duty had been to swing wild on the branches. As the cranes grazed freely on the cloud blossom, he realised that chains and cables were not nearly so alien as he had first thought.

“Thanks to us,” said Leaf Number Two, “seeds from this place will ride out on the morning tide to bless other places, and the soul of an entire world will taste new magic. Keep that in mind, and you’ll do much better next time.”

The long dark night of the sap was over - for both of them.

You were hungry for miracles - and I was rain

June 14th, 2008 by John

(Candle Girl again… from an altogether different perspective)…

Did you just see a freaky cosmic idea fall out of the sky, or was it just me?

I was born in on the edge of a really great idea, a little floppy story orbiting the untold star.

Jostled and shoved by hordes of giggly, weepy asteroids, I tumbled down through seventeen layers of cloud, nine seas of rain and a squadron of invisible geese before finally hitting land.

I rolled down through the folds of new-born streams, tumbled through fields of discarded sentences and re-started some of the withered heartbeats that lost souls and dreamers would leave on the hillsides for safe keeping.

I re-shuffled moments from last year and the day before yesterday, rewriting the mountains as I fell, like a rollercoaster paintbrush.

Then I rolled over the legs of small girls hiding from a monster.

Then I landed, splashing like a bad pie gag into the monster’s face.

But, of course, she wasn’t a monster - she was just another little girl, with unfeasibly long hair and a fear of catching fire in the gaze of uncomprehending eyes.

She was just a little girl, playing with snapdragons, awed by the floating majesty of clouds, and hoping that, one day, she might grow something that would leave the sky itself spellbound.

So I stayed with her, nurtured her little half-conceived miracles, and watched the fragile rows of gardens and garages break like wild horses in her path.

Now she has a sky full of dragons to watch over her, a legion of spirits to worship her from the secret marshlands, and a life from which none of her heartbeats need hide.

I just stepped out for a minute, and the horizon ran away

June 6th, 2008 by John

I think I left my soul in a recent sunset, which has since moved on to some other distant horizon.

So now someone else is looking at my soul, probably pointing and laughing, while I sit here astounded by how mean everything suddenly feels.

I’m hoping to meet my soul again, when the sunset comes back around, but I’ve tried for several nights so far and seen no sign.

I think it’s hiding - which, given how things have been going round here, is probably not surprising. If I was my soul, I’d be hiding from me too…

but I need me back.

When it all comes together

June 2nd, 2008 by John

If you'll just stop chomping on my leg for one moment...

Original photo by Becca, additional bits added by cosmic forces.

New dogs for old clouds

May 30th, 2008 by John

Thanks to Becca for the cloud pic, and Skye for being the dog

She had tried to stop crying, really she had. She’d tried to be the mature young woman everybody was expecting her to be, to put the loss of one small dog in its proper perspective so that the family could deal with more pressing matters. She’d tried until it felt like a part of her might just explode with the pressure of tears. Her fingers had turned into claws, desperately clutching at her clothes in a sad, futile attempt to hug away the pain, but all she could feel was the seemingly vast empty space where paws should have been.

“Lost your dog?” asked a voice from somewhere above her.

She looked up at the little puff of wispy cloud hovering over her head.

“Yeah, I know this must seem pretty unusual right now,” said the cloud, “but we do speak when we have to, when we’re drawn to something. I guess it goes with being wind-blown.”

The girl wiped her eyes, tried to stifle a fresh wave of sobs.

Maybe the billowy guys are right, thought the little wispy cloud. Maybe I do hang around with people too much. But dammit, I know this girl. I know what brought her to this place, what’s tearing at her… and, at the end of the day, it has precious little to do with dogs.

“Thought about getting another one?” it asked.

Instantly, the eyes began to well up again.

“Yeah, I know, I know… Seems like that’s the last thing you can do right now, doesn’t it? Seems like no other dog in the whole darn galaxy’s gonna hit the spot now, doesn’t it?”

The girl nodded.

The cloud let out a long sigh - so long and so ridiculously lonesome it seemed to trickle down into all the little unsobbed teardrops and freeze them in their tracks.

“There’s a feeling sometimes,” it said,

“like the one you get when you can hear somebody having a party somewhere, but you’re not invited…

“or when you’re leaving a room on your own, knowing that the person you care about isn’t going to follow you.”

The girl nodded again, her eyes widening a little in recognition - she’d been to some of those parties.

“It shows itself in different ways at different times,” whispered the cloud, “but the most precious moments in your life are often wrapped in this feeling.

“What makes it so difficult to deal with is that it is often the hardest feelings in the world to share. It sits there like a song without a tune, or a naked sentence that can’t find any of the right words in the wardrobe…

“and waits for you to make peace with it.”

The girl was reaching up now, trying to stroke the tufts of cloud fur as they drifted over her.

“Of course, it’s not really a secret at all, this feeling, is it?” said the cloud. “Your dog knows this feeling, too…

“and it lives for those silences that only you and the secret can share, when all words become unneccessary and a good cuddle takes care of everything.

“That’s what dogs do - they pick up on the moments nobody else can hear.

“So be assured, there will be other dogs to share those moments with - because the beacon you light with one dog will always be picked up by another.”

* * *

As the wispy cloud rose up through the shifting layers of vapour, it could feel a heavy change in the air, a portent of the oncoming storm.

“You really believe that?” asked the billowy cumulonimbus, who had been soaking in the scene from the high cloud plains.

“Doen’t matter what I believe,” replied the little cirrus cloud. “It just matters that she believes, and that the next dog she gets lives up to the challenge. It’s like that with dogs, and it’s like that with people.”

The big cumulonimbus snorted in disdain:

“You cirrus girls really are softies, aren’t you?”

Yep… there was definitely a storm coming.

“Try telling me that the next time you’re having a good cry,” replied the cirrus.

* * *

(Cloud photo by Becca, the dog is called Skye, and the compositification was probably me)

Splintered on the wonky wall

May 28th, 2008 by John

Ain't that just like a dragonfly?

I used to be like a sketch, scribbled in a notebook, my little cross-hatch stomach churning with excitement at the thought that cool hands might rip my page out at any moment.

So how did I get here, so far away from the old pages, yet with the texture of new books whispering so tantalisingly in my ear?

How did I become this little painted thing, sitting on a wonky wall, watching for sparkles as the rest of the world rolls out around me?

It feels at times as though I’m only here to watch stuff - and occasionally flutter my wings at it.

After all, they’re not notably airworthy, these wings. At least, they don’t seem to be. They’re just little ripple-makers in a big, breezy pond…

with a wonky wall in it.

So I’m sitting here, wondering whether there’s something else waiting for me in the big, wet, mushy, fuzzy colour-fest of stuff and wotsits beyond the wall…

or whether I should just stay here and flutter a bit more.

Sometimes, I get really sick of this stupid wonky wall, and my rage starts to spill skyward, soaking through the clouds like a hot blade through a layer of floating butter. So I can’t say it’s always a picnic here on the wall…

hot butter notwithstanding.

But, at least for the moment, I remain quietly bound to my little wonky wall. Other people have tried to climb it, or to scribble helpful notes on it, but none of them know its wonky secrets half as well as I do. Even the splinters have their own charm, once get used to the occasional sting.

I can touch people clear across the Universe from this wall. I have a small but loyal group of fans who regularly set their binoculars to my frequency, so that they can read the latest sentences bouncing down fom my wingtips.

Some part of my soul belongs here on this wonky wall, stained as it is by the love of so many who have passed this way.

Yeah, right.

Give it ten minutes and I’ll be screaming through my little ripply wings again, and smashing my wall-scuffed fist through the big shiny window to everywhere.

Maybe this time I’ll make it.

Candle Girl 3 - pollen from a diary

May 26th, 2008 by John

It wasn’t difficult to recognise the perfume that jarred me back to consciousness. For a girl like me, fond as I was of staring into bonfires, and careless as I tended to be about the dangers of having ridiculously long hair, it was an altogether too familiar aroma - the sharp wispy sting of burned hair.

The first thing I focused on was the clipboard at the foot of the bed.

Oh great, I thought. So how bad is it this time?

I felt the soft kiss of fingertips across my cheek, and looked up to see my mother standing over me.

“How long have I been out?” I asked.

“Quite a while,” she said. “Your hair went up like a Roman candle. Honest, I don’t know what you’ve been putting on that mane of yours, but I’ve never seen anything burn like it.”

Good old Mom - always knew how to lighten the moment.

I reached up towards my scalp but she took hold of my wrist, shook her head.

That bad?”

“Well, the good news is that you don’t have any burns. The flame didn’t seem to touch your skin at all. But the hair…”

She did that little tight thing with her face, the little telltale squint that let me know she was pulling back from the brink of unwanted tears, then she sat down.

“Y’know, I’ve been checking out some really incredible wigs,” she said. “You’d be amazed how good some of them look.”

“So you’re telling me it won’t grow back?” I persisted.

Again with the little squint.

“You want me to be honest, Poppet?” she said. “I think it’s probably for the best. I never liked that hair… never liked how it hid so much of your face. You have such a lovely face…”

And another squint.

“It’s not the hair that makes me see things, Mom,” I said, reaching to reconnect with her hand. “I’m just a little strange, and you know it.”

“I have no problem with strange,” she shot back, squeezing my hand, pulling it to her breast. “I’ve lived with normal for far too long, and I bless the day you came into my life. I love the strangeness, Poppet, I truly do, and I wouldn’t want to change it for anything…

“but it’s not an easy thing to handle, not in this world.”

I could see it in her eyes, clear as a beacon of burning hair:

I could see she knew about my secret route into the core of the world, about the snapdragon people, about the pilgrim souls wandering the darkness for a glimpse of the bonfire I had conjured.

“You’ve read my diary, haven’t you?”

No squint this time, just tears.

She pulled away from me, swept round the bed and pulled open the blinds. The view from the window at once made everything clear, like a nightmare pulled from a sleeping head and sprayed in vivid colours across a passing cloud.

Out across the horizon, towering over the town from somewhere just beyond the shoreline, a row of massive snapdragons dominated the sky.

Just hanging

May 23rd, 2008 by John

I watched this spider weaving her web over the back seat of the car

with such grace,

such elegance,

and such precision…

that I didn’t have the heart to tell her she’d missed a bit…

heck,
she probably didn’t want the stupid
Arachnid Architectural Award
anyway…

right?